her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
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lol
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.