Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
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My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Nice try, NASA
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream