My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
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like u make the diseases or are against them ?
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
What the hell is going on?
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal