Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
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my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.