“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
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Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?