Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
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Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Scream sneezers need love too.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’