“No way.” -Jose
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I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
no one likes gloating
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”