The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
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Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.