Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
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[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.