there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
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completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Me, reading some of your tweets
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
🤣✨#caturday
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.