Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
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I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.