A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
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I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.