Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
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One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
One venti cheeseburger please.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with