(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
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Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.