I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
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When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Jupiter
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.