Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
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[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Teach your children to beatbox
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload