Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
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One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?