Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
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A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Never ghost your hitman.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her