Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
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Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.