Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
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Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.