” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
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I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*