I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
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As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.