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Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.