If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
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[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage