“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
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My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?