Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
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Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Personal question. #JustSaying