[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
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It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
The old gods are rising again.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Namaste
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.