this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
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me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
i baked you a cake
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
ibopfufen
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.