The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
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Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
My dad is at it again
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.