My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
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Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
a badder mouse