I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
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My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot