I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
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Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.