I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
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My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
I’m having an out of money experience.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi