I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
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Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.