My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
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everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.