Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
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[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.