I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
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Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Catercrombie & Fish
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.