[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
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Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
excuse me
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*