I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
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My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole