I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
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A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
I have many caverns
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
My patience has stretch marks.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
need a new bf mines broken 😐
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan