There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
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eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes