*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
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First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Tammy is short for Tamuel
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.