Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
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Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.