Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
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Has there ever been a more American story?
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
How is it still this week?
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.