TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
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Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands