[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
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robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.