*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
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Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
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omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.