I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
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I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
God, I love Scotland
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot