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The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
The game has officially changed 😎
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.