I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
You Might Also Like
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Finally, an explanation.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.